Re-tales

Dear Sir,

Last summer you rolled into my store to purchase a prophylactic. You drove your wheelchair behind me as I walked you to them. You were surprised they weren’t under bulletproof glass, under lock and key. You were impressed that I didn’t bat an eye at what you were purchasing.

Unfortunately you got too comfortable with me. You came in this summer, rolled past me as I was adjusting snacks when you said, “I see you’re playing with your nuts!”

How dare you use your advantage of being in a motorized chair. How dare you speed away before I could come up with a witty reply; or spray you with water like I do my cat when she is innapropriate.

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Please refrain from getting familiar with me as I already know more about you than I care to know.

Sincerely,

Quirky Girl

Dear Madame,

You and your soon to be husband came into our store to collect money from a loved one. Unfortunately my gum was getting stale, so politely, I covered my mouth and spit the gum into the trashcan and apologized if you saw anything.

You then used this as a segue into telling me my behavior was acceptable because your betrothed “shoots” boogers out of his nose while in the woods.

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In 5 minutes we went from platitudes to getting personal. You probably ran into the previous customer who at this point had probably blown up his prophylactic, attached it to his wheelchair flag as a windsock while he rolled down the sidewalk. (A clever ruse to get people to leave him alone.) He probably told you it was ok to tell me of your beloved’s dashing ability to weaponize snot. He’s wrong. Don’t listen to him.

Sincerely,

Quirky Girl

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