Diary of an angsty girl

As some of you may have noticed, I haven’t written in a while.  This is partially due to adjusting to a new job position, taking in two roommates temporarily at two different times, thyroid issues, and a major bout of depression from weaning off Bupropion while dealing with the thyroid issues.

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It seems like since 2015 I’ve been giving more of myself and concentrating on others rather than being selfish and doing things strictly just for me.  I love doing things for others, don’t get me wrong, but at some point it would be nice to refuel the tank so I can turn around and give more kindness and encouragement out to others.

Since the tank is empty, this has caused me to think outwardly outrageous things.  Here are a few examples.

“Just because I’m overly helpful is no reason for you to passively aggressively allude to having raging diarrhea. Asking where the Imodium is, isn’t enough to get me to leave you alone.”

“Why are you still wearing your high school jacket 22 years later?  Only The Beach Boys get to do that.”

“Coming in with your music blaring from a battered blue tooth speaker hanging from your belt loop isn’t a good idea.  Especially when curse words are involved.  This is a family establishment.  Also telling your significant other, ‘You sound white’…is like saying you’ve suddenly realized something you hadn’t noticed about them. I think he knows. Maybe turn off the music and communicate more.”

“Yes, I AM on my knees.  Why do you act surprised?  That’s the only way I can reach the shelf! #tallpeopleproblems” “I’m on my knees?  Noooooo, I thought I was a pirate without peg-legs!”  “Yes I’m on my knees.  You’re old.  I thought we were just making obvious statements.”

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Those are just things that happened at work.  Here are some things that happened at home.

“Whose underwear are these, and why are they out where the squirrels have access to them? Are the squirrels the cause of the person losing their underwear?”

“Why is there blood dripped on the sidewalk where we exit the steps?  Can’t they bludgeon each other indoors?”

“Why is there a guy shouting ‘Let me in!’ at 1 am?  If he wasn’t such a dog, maybe he wouldn’t have been let out with the other two. Guess that finally answers the question, ‘Who let the dogs out’.”

“Why are all the dogs barking suddenly while I’m trying to pray and meditate? (Dogs suddenly stop barking) My prayers worked!” (Cats starts rustling bags) “Dang it!”

This is only a small sampling, and yes, I get that they may not be all that bad.  However, for me they are.  Thank you for being patient with me while I’m working my way out of a 6 month funk. To family and friends who I’ve seen in this length of time, if I seem a bit stand-offish, it isn’t you, it genuinely is me.

What are some thoughts you have had that you wouldn’t normally say in your everyday life?  Were they due to depression or lack of sleep or both?

 

A home is made over a grilled cheese sandwich

tumblr_lumblhUXwZ1qceei4o1_1280The furthest away from home I’ve been, is home. This might sound a little strange, but today I’m accepting the wordpress daily challenge in more of an abstract form rather than the literal.

In the spring of 2011, I found myself alone for the first time in a little over 12 years. Normally this is a period in my life I don’t like to talk about, but two wonderful things came out of this experience.

In April of that year, for the first time I signed a rent check to live in an apartment by myself; no boyfriends, no husbands, no roommates, just me. At first it was odd getting used to the silence. It wasn’t a deafening silence like you would think, there was something strangely comforting about it, a comfort in knowing I was away from the home I once knew. Still, the silence meant I was alone.

You see, I define home as in, something familiar, something of comfort and something full of love. This is the whole reason I had left the life I knew, none of these things existed in it. I was rebuilding my “home” by my own definition.

A few weeks later some work acquaintances knew I had just been through a major life upset. They were two of the few who knew I needed help, needed to vent and was in desperate need of friends.

When these work acquaintances reached out to me, little did we all know we would find a home in each others’ hearts. That night we became friends and over the course of that summer, we became “besties”. One of those friends was able to come to my hometown with me, away from the city that was our current residence. This would be another first for me, coming back “home” and sharing a place where I was loved with a new friend who would wind up becoming a part of that core group of friends from my child hood.

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The home I had built for myself in the city was slowly deteriorating. When she and I were coming back from the sticks where I used to live as a child, she did something that not only solidified our friendship, but made me realize, there is hope, and always room in someone’s heart for a new friend…a new home.

We were on our way back to the big city and my stomach was in need of a sandwich. She being a vegetarian didn’t really want to stop at a fast food restaurant on the main highway here in Missouri. I didn’t really want fast food, but we were left with no choice. We compromised and stopped for a grilled cheese sandwich at Steak n’ Shake. She was hesitant at first to eat the sandwich but eventually she relented and started to eat out of desperation. She got half way through her half of the sandwich when she decided I should finish it. This is when I declared it was hers to finish, I had mine and she should eat it. I was worried about her getting hungry.

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At this point, with her music blaring from the radio, my cat meowing profusely from her cage in the back seat, it was getting harder to concentrate. When I went to shift gears in my car, there was something suspiciously bread like near my fingers. She had placed her half of a half grilled cheese sandwich near the gear shift. Immediately I looked at her and she was sporting a Cheshire grin. We burst into laughter. Forcing her to take her sandwich again, I started to concentrate on getting us back home. A few minutes later I went to grab my soda to sip, instead I found again her half of a half grilled cheese sandwich beneath my fingers. We couldn’t quit laughing and this is when I realized, this is the furthest away from the home I knew, but it was going to be a great one; the home in my “bestie’s” heart.

20130712-192642.jpgWhen was the first time your “home” didn’t feel like home? Was it a release for you, a time to get back to being you or was it a time to figure out who you were? What did you find special about this time in your life?

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