Diary of an angsty girl

As some of you may have noticed, I haven’t written in a while.  This is partially due to adjusting to a new job position, taking in two roommates temporarily at two different times, thyroid issues, and a major bout of depression from weaning off Bupropion while dealing with the thyroid issues.

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It seems like since 2015 I’ve been giving more of myself and concentrating on others rather than being selfish and doing things strictly just for me.  I love doing things for others, don’t get me wrong, but at some point it would be nice to refuel the tank so I can turn around and give more kindness and encouragement out to others.

Since the tank is empty, this has caused me to think outwardly outrageous things.  Here are a few examples.

“Just because I’m overly helpful is no reason for you to passively aggressively allude to having raging diarrhea. Asking where the Imodium is, isn’t enough to get me to leave you alone.”

“Why are you still wearing your high school jacket 22 years later?  Only The Beach Boys get to do that.”

“Coming in with your music blaring from a battered blue tooth speaker hanging from your belt loop isn’t a good idea.  Especially when curse words are involved.  This is a family establishment.  Also telling your significant other, ‘You sound white’…is like saying you’ve suddenly realized something you hadn’t noticed about them. I think he knows. Maybe turn off the music and communicate more.”

“Yes, I AM on my knees.  Why do you act surprised?  That’s the only way I can reach the shelf! #tallpeopleproblems” “I’m on my knees?  Noooooo, I thought I was a pirate without peg-legs!”  “Yes I’m on my knees.  You’re old.  I thought we were just making obvious statements.”

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Those are just things that happened at work.  Here are some things that happened at home.

“Whose underwear are these, and why are they out where the squirrels have access to them? Are the squirrels the cause of the person losing their underwear?”

“Why is there blood dripped on the sidewalk where we exit the steps?  Can’t they bludgeon each other indoors?”

“Why is there a guy shouting ‘Let me in!’ at 1 am?  If he wasn’t such a dog, maybe he wouldn’t have been let out with the other two. Guess that finally answers the question, ‘Who let the dogs out’.”

“Why are all the dogs barking suddenly while I’m trying to pray and meditate? (Dogs suddenly stop barking) My prayers worked!” (Cats starts rustling bags) “Dang it!”

This is only a small sampling, and yes, I get that they may not be all that bad.  However, for me they are.  Thank you for being patient with me while I’m working my way out of a 6 month funk. To family and friends who I’ve seen in this length of time, if I seem a bit stand-offish, it isn’t you, it genuinely is me.

What are some thoughts you have had that you wouldn’t normally say in your everyday life?  Were they due to depression or lack of sleep or both?

 

When the moon hits your mind…

Most people stress out about finals in normal ways. Some procrastinate, some study consistently after every class doing their reading ahead of time and some people binge eat.

When I get stressed, it manifests in it’s own weird way. Last year around this time as I was registering for classes, stress manifested in crippling stomach pains, a trip to the hospital and two consecutive pelvic exams. I’ve found ways to manage the stress now. Trying to prepare in advance shaves minutes off of preparation time for school. I get my clothes ironed if I’m substitute teaching the night before, and I might even prepare a lunch if I’m teaching the entire day.

Nothing though could prepare me for the current stress dreams. I guess because I’ve been managing my life well the past few months, the stress had to find a different course of action to butt-heads with me.

There is a little bit of explaining I need to do before telling you what happened. Since the summer of 2013 I’ve been gluten free. I’m not doing it as a fad, or as a trendy thing with which to annoy people. I have hypothyroidism, which gluten has been shown to block the conversion of certain hormones needed to help the thyroid perform. The thyroid serves a lot of functions in the body, and mental balance is one of them.

In June of this year one of my best friends had a wedding, her cake was not gluten free, I caved in to the desires of the raspberry filling. This resulted in a tough, week long brain-fog and faint memory loss in which my co-workers said, “You had gluten last weekend didn’t you?”

Now that you have a bit of back story here is what happened somewhere between last night and this morning in the dream realm. I had a dream I was outside in my parents’ back-yard eating with family and loved ones. Suddenly dinner rolls and deep dish pizza pie appeared out of nowhere. I distinctly remember savoring a slice of the deep, fluffy crust (probably a pizza from the “Pi” restaurant in St. Louis which has been the best pizza I’ve ever had in my life). After ingesting this savory treat I moved on to the buttery dinner rolls. By the time I bit into the second dinner roll, I suddenly realized I shouldn’t be eating it. Because at that moment I couldn’t distinguish between a dream and reality I let the morsels roll over my tongue as I gulped the last bite with severe guilt. The feeling was probably equal to that of someone being vegan accidentally eating a dream burger.

When I looked up from the remaining crumbs in my hands, suddenly Angelina Jolie was there. Apparently I was her new neighbor and she asked me to watch over her kids in our back yards as they played with feral native monkeys. Meanwhile, the gluten-guilt was killing me. I had to confess to Ms. Jolie the culinary crime I had just committed with the dinner rolls.

Next thing I knew I was confessing everything to Angelina, about how I shouldn’t have gluten, and was apologizing to her for the error in judgement. She seemed unfazed by the breaded catastrophe, and was more worried about her children playing with monkeys, which is when I woke up.

If it had only been these Monkees, plus a Beatle!

If it had only been these Monkees, plus a Beatle!

Let this be a lesson to those of you younger than I going through finals. Get everything done ahead of time and leave the baked goods where they belong, at the grocery store.

What makes you stressed out? What stress dreams have you had?

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